Skip to content

Posts from the ‘The Power of Pain’ Category

Mar 19

15 Comments

Scraping for Grace

Last summer an old friend found this blog and sent me an email.

It brought me to tears. But the part I remember most was where he told me it was okay if I broke down once in awhile.

I knew what he meant. He was giving me permission to be less than perfect.

I thanked him for his wise words. But I also told him the truth, which was, I wasn’t faking the decision to be happy. In fact, cancer – somehow – increased my capacity for joy.

I’ve not felt much like breaking down these past three years.

Read more

Feb 19

4 Comments

Definition

I have a friend who’s really good at something.

Actually, I have lots of friends who are freakishly talented at one thing or another. David and I float in a variety of accomplished crowds. We know alotof big-dreamers, sky-reachers, place-goers, and world-changers.

We – not so secretly – love living vicariously through them.

But to us, they’re just them.

We recently attended a party for one of these place-goers. Everyone who spoke about her mentioned her incredible talent.

I wasn’t surprised to hear how gifted she was. But the more I heard people refer to that thing, the more I thought, yeah, she’s really great at that, but…

…But to me, she’s just her.

Read more

Feb 4

6 Comments

Career Motherhood

Source: google.com via Morgan on Pinterest

My childhood aspirations didn’t include motherhood.

No, that’s not accurate. My plans included motherhood.

But that was just it. I thought I would do all of these really great things, and tuck my children in there somewhere, like something you check off a to-do list.

Is that such a terrible idea? First-time parents – particularly those career-oriented individuals who’ve waited to start a family – might understand what I mean. Actors bring their children to movie sets. Lawyers spend their lunches at playgrounds. Doctors build offices next to their houses and see their children between patients.

Surely I could manage that, right?

Read more

Dec 24

6 Comments

You Are Not Alone

Disclaimer: I write this knowing that many of you who are good enough to read my blog may feel uncomfortable with faith. Know that I understand your questions, your concerns. I’ve been there myself, so many times.  Please don’t feel you need to read this. But I needed to write it. So, to those who are willing to indulge me… I thank you. Merry Christmas to you all.

Christmas Eve is usually my favorite day of the whole year.

Not this year.

I’m not entirely sure why it seemed so… off. We were surrounded by people. We were extravagantly gifted. We were focused on the ‘right things’.

But, somehow, a thousand things clumped together to make me wish, so fervently, that this day – this season – be over.

I’m starting to hate Christmas.

Yes, I said it. And though most of you are thinking, that chick be loca, a few of you just pumped your fist in the air with a sigh of finally, someone else thinks the same thing. Read more

Dec 14

Queen of the B’s, not Queen Bee: Lucille Ball

I’m not funny. What I am is brave. – Lucille Ball

I admit, one of my favorite movies is Mean Girls.

If you haven’t seen it, you should. It’s an awfully disturbing insight into the adolescent (and perhaps lingering into the adult) female psyche.

Saturday Night Live alum Tina Fey developed the movie’s fictional script from Rosalind Wiseman’s non-fiction book, Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence. Wiseman describes how female social circles are dictated by a clique leader – a Queen Bee. Those who support the clique leader fit in; those who don’t fit her impossible standards, don’t.

In case any of you were wondering, I wasn’t Queen Bee in high school.

Yeah, you can stop choking on your food now.

No matter how I tried, cool seemed to elude me.

Sound familiar to anyone? Read more

Dec 5

Fear Not

The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear. – H.P. Lovecraft

Life was trickling along happily this summer.

And then September came.

September is a cruel month, for kids and moms. The shopping, planning, early mornings, and fights over what to wear (I think that’s a girl thing), shocks us all out of the lazy, hazy days of summer.

September was even more cruel this year, since summer didn’t start until August 3rd, or so, and peaked just after Labour Day.

But a week into Grade One, we heard Noelle had – miraculously – gotten a spot at the fine arts school, a place I just knew would be right for her, a place I thought it would take years to get her into.

She started her new school in Level 2 reading. A week and a half later, she was in Level 5.

Right now, she’s reading Amelia Bedelia to us at bedtime.

So when this mid-September school change hump was past, I started to get comfortable. I started to think, this is it. I started to believe my life – and Noelle’s, and David’s, and even little Elliana’s – would be light years better.

David is snickering right now, because just this morning we argued over the meaning of the phrase ‘light year.’ Read more

Nov 23

4 Comments

Wednesday’s Wonder Woman: Margaret Thatcher

I’m extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end. – Margaret Thatcher

Sometimes I’ve wondered if me being sick is harder on other people than on me.

Think about it: have you ever felt it harder to watch someone go through something hard, than to go through that thing yourself?

Six years ago next Monday, I was on my hands-and-knees in the tiniest labour room at MSA General Hospital, wondering what on earth is happening to me and when in the world it would be over, and through the haze of nitrous oxide, I heard my doctor tell my husband that maybe he should take a minute outside.

I giggled. It’s called laughing gas for a reason.

But I wasn’t that surprised that he found it harder to watch me be in pain than to be in pain himself.

It’s something I see a lot in my job. Maternal grandmas get overwhelmed at their daughter’s experience; concerned dads are shocked to realize they had no idea what women went through to do this. Read more

Nov 17

Exercise, Another Tool in Your Fight: A Guest Post from the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance’s David Haas

A huge welcome to those of you new to this blog. Check out the ‘About’ Page for my background and the ‘CML’ page for details on the cancer I fight. And please don’t drop in and run away! I’d love it if you said hi and told me a bit about you, either through a blog comment, on Twitter, Facebook, or by email.

Yesterday, my fabulously talented physical trainer friend posted a photo of a rather out-of-shape person attempting to jog.

The caption: It doesn’t matter how slow you go, you’re still lapping the people sitting on the couch.

So true. No matter what you do, its better than nothing.

I blogged yesterday about exercise and optimism, including my rebellious need to run up the stairs right before I’m scheduled for an echocardiogram.

There’s something so empowering about exercising, despite our limitations. It changes us, physically, mentally, and socially. It gives us resilience, confidence, and something like gumption. And though I no longer make it to the gym like I used to, I am a faithful Jillian Michaels and Insanity exerciser. I like daring myself to see how far I can challenge myself, without, of course, overdoing it.

Yes, in another life, with another body, I would be a woman’s moguls skier.

In this life, I’m merely a young mom fighting cancer. Read more

Nov 16

4 Comments

Optimism, Denial, and Echocardiograms

echocardiogram – often referred to in the medical community as an ECHO, is a sonogram of the heart, otherwise known as a cardiac ultrasound (wikipedia).

Lonna?

Yes, the lady with the dreary white lab coat and short red hair meant me. Many people assume my name should be pronounced the exotic way.

Just so you know, it’s not exotic. It rhymes with one of my less-than-favorite fruits.

As a child, I had difficulty sucking in my stomach. My ballet teacher told me I had to stop standinglike a banana.

Hmm.

Maybe that’s why I got the nickname.

(shakes head) Now is not the time to bring up childhood torments.

Back to yesterday morning.

We have to go to the second floor, lab coat lady said (I never did find out her name).

I glanced at David. We’d spent the hour-and-a-half drive to the hospital laughing and singing and thinking, hey, this might be a date.

We’ve always had less-than-traditional dates. Read more

Oct 1

2 Comments

Puddlejumping

Every autumn I think, let’s skip family pictures this year.

They’re a lot of work. And do I really need to see how many wrinkles and cellulite I’ve gained in the past twelve months?

Yeah, not so much.

But then I look at my giggling girls on the wall of our entryway. I think about how different they look this year.

And I remember how much fun we have with this great lady, someone I don’t see nearly often enough, who also happens to be a fantastic photographer.

Somehow Joanne can get my girls to do anything. And even when they don’t do what she asks, she accommodates her shots to fit their moods. She brings props, ladders, and toys. She hauls said props up and down ditches, hills, and playgrounds.

Then she says she loves it. That’s talent.

A couple of years ago we had almost postponed our shoot because of rain. I remember Joanne said to me, I have lots of umbrellas. We could just use the setting. It’d look great!

And I – the wuss that I am – said, No, I don’t want to get my hair wet. Read more

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »